Shingles Suck!

But, I am finding comfort in many ways.For this, I am grateful.


This morning, I awoke before the sun. I took care of my cat and dog and fiancée. I medicated my still ailing body. Breakfast was at 6:30 as first light starting to peak through the clouds. And, once I discovered the silence, this sermon came to me...a perfect sermon for the way my body feels at this time, beaten and sore. James' voice brings me peace. I hope you will find your own peace through his words, his message. I miss you, my friend.

http://jamesmichaeljoiner.com/2012/02/05/servants-of-a-lesser-god/

It's been way TOO long...

I know it's been a while since I've posted, but life has gotten beautifully complicated here in the M-P household.

I've gone back to school for Early Childhood Education.  I really want to teach Kindergarten.  The first semester was rough, but I am determined to continue you and make this happen.  It's taken me so long to decide what I want to be when I grown up, that I am not going to quit now!

We also bought, and moved into our very own home.  It was such an exciting process!  We are still working on unpacking and getting new furniture.  It is such an amazing journey.  We are finally getting settled.

That's the major update for now.  I promise to do a better job keeping up with everything in the future!

Living in no man's land...

Dear North Carolina,

Your hateful, bigoted, homophobic, backwards laws will not stop me from loving the only person I have ever truly loved.  I fully embrace the love of my family and friends who have given me hope that not all of your citizens are complete and total morons.  I turn my back on you.  Just because I occupy space here doesn't mean I have to acknowledge your existence.

The disenfranchised.

Lyrics by Melanie Safka

Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.
Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

We were so close, there was no room.
We bled inside each other's wounds.
We all had caught the same disease
And we all sang the songs of peace.

Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.
Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

So raise the candles high
'Cause if you don't we could
Stay black against the night.
Oh raise them higher again, 'cause if you
Do we could stay dry against the rain.

Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.
Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

We were so close, there was no room.
We bled inside each other's wounds.
We all had caught the same disease
And we all sang the songs of peace.
Some came to sing, some came to pray.
Some came to keep the dark away.

So raise the candles high
'Cause if you don't we could
Stay black against the night.
Oh raise them higher again, 'cause if you
Do we could stay dry against the rain.

Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.
Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

You gotta lay down, lay down, lay it all
Down. Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.
Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
You gotta let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

Lay down, lay down, lay it all down.
Let your white birds smile up
At the ones who stand and frown.

And, we lit candles in the rain...

Our house is filled with candles of love, hope, and peace with energies directed towards the defeat of Amendment One. Please join us in lighting a candle, say a prayer, and direct those positive energies to those who are still in line ready to vote against this evil, evil piece of legislation. Stand with them in love! 

Amendment One

Today, I only want to talk about one thing.  It's a BIG thing.  It affects my family and the families of thousands of North Carolinians.

Today, the citizens of North Carolina are voting to enshrine discrimination in the state Constitution.  It just sounds ugly because it is.  The Amendment, as it appears on the ballot is as follows...

What this "referendum" is not telling you is that this amendment negatively affects more than just my inability to marry my partner.  It's about straight people and gay people losing their insurance benefits, domestic violence protections being lessened (see Ohio's attempt at this same amendment), and child custody issues could be made a million times worse.  And, yes, then there's the part about gay marriage, or as I like to call it marriage.

There are already two laws on the books in North Carolina that make it impossible for me to marry my loving partner of eight years.  Why do we need a constitutional amendment cementing bigotry, hatred, and fear into state law?  The answer is because there are people who live in this state who cannot take their noses out of their bibles and take their cues from hateful "preachers".

Now, there are good people out there who are Christians.  Two hundred local clergy have come together to stand up on the side of love.  The Episcopal Diocese of North Carolina has stood up on the side of love.  Local Jewish Temples have stood on the side of love.  But, there are also some very bad people out there who would pervert God's name for their own ugly purposes.  These are the people who are mean and evil and think that discrimination in ordained by God.  God instructed, "Love thy neighbor."  Buddha gives us "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful."  The Pagans believe "Harm none; do what ye will."  All measure up to "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."  If you do not want to be discriminated against, don't do it to others.

We voted AGAINST Amendment One.  We hope that YOU will do the same!  North Carolina's polls are open until 7:30pm.  Please make your voice heard and your vote count.

The rest of the country is watching, and waiting, along with us.  Let's show them that we are made of...love and hope!

For the love of children...

Ever since I was a very little girl, I always wanted to be a mother.  I wanted the whole experience; pregnancy, natural childbirth, holding the flesh of my flesh.  I am physically unable to have children.

Sometimes, it hurts.  A lot.

So, for now, my partner and I have fur-children; two four-legged canines.  They are the loves of our life together.  I used to get really upset when people told me that my animals weren't children.  Kind of an insult to someone who already cannot have children.  But, I have gotten past that.

We may not give birth to our animals, but in almost every other way, they are children.  We teach them the ropes; we teach them right from wrong.  We get up every two hours, not for feedings, but to take them out for a walks in the middle of the night.  When they are sick or injured, we spend hundreds on making them well.  Sure, we don't send them to college, but they are still our children, and we teach them everyday of their lives.

I am thankful for my fur-babies.  In every way that matters, they are our children.  We love them, and would lay our lives down for them.  And, I am so lucky that my parents, family, and friends love them just as much as we do.

With that, I give you the newest addition to our family.  His name is Rumi, and he is perfect.

Happier = Healthier

Today, I find my happiness in making breakfast for my fiancee at 6:30am! This is quite an event for me, and I made her proud in doing all, but the toast, by myself. I made myself proud, too. Bonus!

Side note, I have also fed, and watered, the dog, taken her for a morning jaunt, did her nails, and gave her undercoat a brush and smoothing. She is not well with me right now. I am currently bribing her with olive oil on her breakfast since I'm going to "torture" her further by taking her to the vet for her annual check-up. lol

I leave you with a bonus shot of my beautiful pup!

Bravery

"Bravery is stepping out of your comfort zone, even if it's just a little." ~ Me

I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone yesterday, and even though I am holding my cards close to my chest, I am so PROUD of myself. I have good reason to be. The thought alone makes me happy.

You know what else makes me happy today? Skittles. Sounds simple. They make me smile. Sometimes, that's all it takes to get me through the day.

I did something else BIG yesterday, too! I registered for classes for the first time in over a year. I am changing majors to Early Childhood Education. I am looking forward to the challenge. It's really what I always should have done. It just took me longer than most for me to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I think I always knew, but now I have taken the first steps!

Frustration

Tonight I find myself frustrated with others. This is putting a dent in finding my own happiness. But, I have to air that frustration, or it will stay with me.

Write about it; let it go.

Why do others think they can get everything they want without working for it? Life is not easy, and it's never gonna be. Some of us have fought, and clawed, and, quite literally, driven ourselves crazy trying to earn everything we have. Why can't you do the same?

The good stuff is never going to be handed to you because you don't deserve it. You haven't done anything at all to earn it. Wanna get a job? Bust your hump filling out applications. Wanna go to school? Find a legitimate school, earn your financial aid by doing the work for it, and get the grades to show you deserve to be there. Wanna get a car? Wanna find a new place to live? Wanna buy new clothes, tv, phone, etc? WORK FOR IT!

Okay...letting it go...

Incoming! Incoming!

I want to share this beautiful video with you! Many of these people are my friends. They are singing, and fighting, for our rights. We are so blessed!

Today is a new day...

I won't lie. I am struggling a bit today. I have found what makes me happy today. What I haven't found is my motivation.

What makes me happy today? Homemade tacos. Super yummy, and super easy to make. Plus, the leftovers are even better the next day. It's simple, but it's my happiness for today.

Now, what I need to find my motivation. I lose it often, and I am disappointed in that. But, I've got to move on and fight to find it. I'm gonna take a look at today's to-do list, and get as much done as I can. My therapist always suggests setting a timer, so you can't get overwhelmed. The timer and I are gonna get friendly with each other today. Together, we're gonna make things happen!

I know today's entry is short, but there may be more to come...as for now, I leave you with this great image I found online today. It speaks an immense amount of truth.

It certainly ROCKS my life! Everyday!

The Cure for Anything is...

SALT WATER

sweat, tears, or the sea

~Isak Dinesen

Many of you know me; some of you do not. It's okay, you will learn more about me as we go on this journey together. For me this journal is about learning to leap and knowing instinctively that the net will appear and cradle me in its safety. It's also about starting over in my own journey with depression and anxiety. Mostly, it's about the journey back to me.

Today has been about learning to let go of fear and embrace happiness. One day at a time. This is a very hard concept for me because, ya see, I'm a pessimist. I always have been; I do not want to "always be." I am often afraid of the most simple concepts; getting out of bed, leaving the house, driving my car in traffic with other people driving their cars, glass elevators, spiders, ants...you get the picture.

But, what I am most afraid of is my depression and anxiety taking over my life, swallowing me whole.

And, the reason I am afraid; I have let it take over my life. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Today I was fortunate enough to speak with someone for which I consider a mentor. When I had this opportunity, I knew I had to take it. I was in the middle of a personal crisis which blossomed into an anxiety attack, as they often do. This person led me out into the open air, sat down with me, and spoke to me as an equal. This was an amazing feeling. She was able to talk me through my anxiety, walk me through my fear. I walked away from that conversation with a new perspective on how to live my life.

I cannot let depression destroy my life; this is the only life I have to live. I have to stop living in fear, and embrace my own happiness. I have to take these baby steps to build a new foundation for my strength. To borrow a biblical reference, I have to rebuild my foundation from rock not sand. Sand equals depression; rock equals happiness.

Today, I will work to rebuild my temple on rock. I will learn to love myself. And, everyday, I will find something new to be happy about.